when it hurts to breathe

i'm sitting a little quieter today. not a lot, but a little. maybe it's because i can feel that i've got a very small break coming up. two and a half hours to go, and then i'm partially free from this little prison cell of mine. i say partially, because i'm never really free from this place. the phone always has to be on. but i'm not obligated to stay behind this desk pretending to be nice to people. not for three whole days. i shouldn't take a day off, because i really do need the money, but i'm so burned out that i just don't care.

i'm thinking i'll go get me some sun. it'll make my sister proud. she's convinced that i'm entirely too pasty white for my own good, and she's probably right. not that i care, really, but the idea of sitting by the side of the pool, or maybe the reservoir, with a good book seems like a delightful idea.

but i'm still having trouble breathing. there seems to be a clamp on my chest, slowly growing tighter and tighter. the pain is becoming physical. it hurts. but i don't know what to do about it. i don't think there's a solution.

it hurts to breathe.

untitled. on purpose.

restless. anxious. unsure. jittery. nauseated... i don't really know. i feel icky, but i don't know how to describe it. it's like i just need to get away. get out of this office, out of these clothes, out of this town...just away. but there's nowhere that i want to go. i feel so alone, but i don't want to talk to anyone. mostly i just don't want to have to explain myself to anyone. i'm second guessing myself at every turn. blah. i need to get out of this office, though. i feel like i'm suffocating. what is wrong with me???