these are the lyrics to the song zzyzx rd. by stone sour. it pretty much sums it up. it's always nice when someone can kind of say it for you... which is why music is crucial. without music, there is nothing...
I don't know how else to put this
It's taken me so long to do this
I'm falling asleep but I can't see straight
My muscles feel like a melee
My body's curled in a U-shape
I put on my best, but I'm still afraid
Propped up by lies with promises
Saving my place as life forgets
Maybe it's time I saw the world
I'm only here for a while
But patience is not my style
And I'm so tired that I gotta go
Where am I supposed to run now?
What am I supposed to do?
Did you really think I wouldn't see this through?
Tell me I should stick around for you
Tell me I could have it all
I'm still too tired to care and I gotta go
I get to go home in one week
But I'm leaving home in three weeks
They throw me a bone just to pick me dry
I'm following suit and directions
I crawl up inside for protection
I'm told what to do and I don't know why
I'm over existing in limbo
I'm over the myths and placebos
I don't really mind if I just fade away
I'm ready to live with my family
I'm ready to die in obscurity
'Cause I'm so tired that I've gotta go
Where am I supposed to hide now?
What am I supposed to do?
You still don't think I'm gonna see this through
Tell me I'm a part of history
Tell me I can have it all
I'm still too tired to care and I gotta go
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
falling, falling, crunch.
there hasn't been much for a desperate, hopeless person like me to cling to lately. thoughts of planning for the future cause me so much anxiety that i become violently sick to my stomach. it's not even that i don't want to grow up, because i've already done that. i grew up a long, long time ago. it's that i don't think i can possibly stand to stick around and see how the next six weeks or six months or six years play out. i don't have any fight left in me.
i probably shouldn't write about any of this, but this is who i have to talk to. tonks, and this computer. i haven't told more than a few people about this blog for a reason. so if you're reading this, you're doing so at your own risk, knowing that what is written here remains confidential. if you have questions, ask me, but don't judge.
i don't know what to hold on to. i'm caught in the middle of a vortex of lies and deception and hatred.....and the closest thing i have to a "safe place" has been breached. it's not safe anymore. drama isn't safe anymore. that was one of the few shreds of hope that i was desperately clinging to. "my" teenagers. my drama kids need me. somehow, in some absurd, minuscule way they need me to stick around. well now i'm not even supposed to be around my drama kids without a babysitter. the administration has me convicted and condemned for a crime i didn't commit.
it's not even me saying i'm a bad, bad person this time.
i'm in trouble because some demon teenager used my phone to send a kid a dirty joke. a parent saw it, called the school and i found myself hauled into the principal's office for the first time in my life. i am 28 years old, and this was the first time i have ever been in the principal's office for being in trouble. of course i'm going to be terrified. and supposedly, my rigid body language was a sure indicator of my guilt, even though i was able to look him in the eye and swear that i did not send the damn thing. nor do i know who sent it. the phone was borrowed by a student, but not returned. they left it sitting on julie's desk there in the drama room, so it could have been anyone.
they told me what it said, and i'm appalled that something like that was sent from my phone in the first place. for them to think that i sent it.... ugh. it was gross. it was crude...and to me, it was triggering. i applaud a parent checking a phone and becoming upset with something like that. i'd do the same thing. but the administration is hell-bent on saying that it was me who did it.
so they decide to go through my phone, which was okay with me--if i had something to hide, i wouldn't have offered it for hendry to look at from the very beginning. but he goes through and finds some texts that he sees out of context that he feels are inappropriate--sent to me, mind you--and starts making it into this whole big thing. i'm not safe for the kids. hell, at one point he seemed to be trying to make me into a pedophile. me, of all people. just the thought makes me sick.
i have bawled more in the past week than i have in my entire life. i am totally defeated. and i say--what's the point?
and i'm falling apart from the other things, too. the other things that i'm always fighting with, which are winning more and more all the time. the shadows that lurk within my mind and body--my own personal, and very real, death eaters.
so, i'm hiding, hiding...just hiding. too scared to come out and play. i feel all sorts of screwed up. and my access to safe people is rapidly diminishing. i need a hug, but there's no one to ask for one. i need to feel protected and loved, but there is no one. it's not like you can just walk up to someone and say "i need you to just hold me for a minute." nobody wants to know that kind of thing...
it's a bad day--separate from me being bad. i wish i could go home. the more i'm around anyone, the worse i feel. and i'm afraid i'm going to make a fool of myself because i'm so shaky...i can't quit shaking and i can't breathe; i can't calm down even though i'm trying.
i'm falling apart....
i probably shouldn't write about any of this, but this is who i have to talk to. tonks, and this computer. i haven't told more than a few people about this blog for a reason. so if you're reading this, you're doing so at your own risk, knowing that what is written here remains confidential. if you have questions, ask me, but don't judge.
i don't know what to hold on to. i'm caught in the middle of a vortex of lies and deception and hatred.....and the closest thing i have to a "safe place" has been breached. it's not safe anymore. drama isn't safe anymore. that was one of the few shreds of hope that i was desperately clinging to. "my" teenagers. my drama kids need me. somehow, in some absurd, minuscule way they need me to stick around. well now i'm not even supposed to be around my drama kids without a babysitter. the administration has me convicted and condemned for a crime i didn't commit.
it's not even me saying i'm a bad, bad person this time.
i'm in trouble because some demon teenager used my phone to send a kid a dirty joke. a parent saw it, called the school and i found myself hauled into the principal's office for the first time in my life. i am 28 years old, and this was the first time i have ever been in the principal's office for being in trouble. of course i'm going to be terrified. and supposedly, my rigid body language was a sure indicator of my guilt, even though i was able to look him in the eye and swear that i did not send the damn thing. nor do i know who sent it. the phone was borrowed by a student, but not returned. they left it sitting on julie's desk there in the drama room, so it could have been anyone.
they told me what it said, and i'm appalled that something like that was sent from my phone in the first place. for them to think that i sent it.... ugh. it was gross. it was crude...and to me, it was triggering. i applaud a parent checking a phone and becoming upset with something like that. i'd do the same thing. but the administration is hell-bent on saying that it was me who did it.
so they decide to go through my phone, which was okay with me--if i had something to hide, i wouldn't have offered it for hendry to look at from the very beginning. but he goes through and finds some texts that he sees out of context that he feels are inappropriate--sent to me, mind you--and starts making it into this whole big thing. i'm not safe for the kids. hell, at one point he seemed to be trying to make me into a pedophile. me, of all people. just the thought makes me sick.
i have bawled more in the past week than i have in my entire life. i am totally defeated. and i say--what's the point?
and i'm falling apart from the other things, too. the other things that i'm always fighting with, which are winning more and more all the time. the shadows that lurk within my mind and body--my own personal, and very real, death eaters.
so, i'm hiding, hiding...just hiding. too scared to come out and play. i feel all sorts of screwed up. and my access to safe people is rapidly diminishing. i need a hug, but there's no one to ask for one. i need to feel protected and loved, but there is no one. it's not like you can just walk up to someone and say "i need you to just hold me for a minute." nobody wants to know that kind of thing...
it's a bad day--separate from me being bad. i wish i could go home. the more i'm around anyone, the worse i feel. and i'm afraid i'm going to make a fool of myself because i'm so shaky...i can't quit shaking and i can't breathe; i can't calm down even though i'm trying.
i'm falling apart....
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
breakdown
i don't know what to do. i'm think i'm suffocating. i'm cranky and exhausted, and i just don't care. i'm exhausted, but i'm afraid to go to sleep, even if i could. there's always a nightmare lurking...closing my eyes just makes me more vulnerable. the nightmares are so horrible.
apparently i'm grouchy. i don't deny it, but i don't know if grouchy is the right term. i'm tired, and i'm burned out. i'm on the edge of a meltdown--i can feel it coming. and yet, there's nothing i can do to prevent it. in truth, i start to panic everytime my phone rings or a new text message comes. it's always somebody who wants something from me. people i care about, usually, not understanding that i just can't give them what they want.
why aren't you doing more, rachel? what's your problem, rachel? why aren't you standing up for my manipulative, sadistic, soul-sucking excuse for a daughter anymore, rachel? you drama people need to grow up, rachel. you're not good enough, rachel. you need to try harder. you need to just be someone else, rachel...
and then there's:
"you need to work for me." "i'm not coming in." "more money is missing from the drawer." "i want a different piece." "ms. b is mad at me." "everyone hates me." "find me a monologue." "i need you to cut this scene for me."
i want, i want, i want. i need, i need, i need. every phone call. every text. every knock at my door.
i hate it.
is it really all that surprising that i just want out? *sigh*
apparently i'm grouchy. i don't deny it, but i don't know if grouchy is the right term. i'm tired, and i'm burned out. i'm on the edge of a meltdown--i can feel it coming. and yet, there's nothing i can do to prevent it. in truth, i start to panic everytime my phone rings or a new text message comes. it's always somebody who wants something from me. people i care about, usually, not understanding that i just can't give them what they want.
why aren't you doing more, rachel? what's your problem, rachel? why aren't you standing up for my manipulative, sadistic, soul-sucking excuse for a daughter anymore, rachel? you drama people need to grow up, rachel. you're not good enough, rachel. you need to try harder. you need to just be someone else, rachel...
and then there's:
"you need to work for me." "i'm not coming in." "more money is missing from the drawer." "i want a different piece." "ms. b is mad at me." "everyone hates me." "find me a monologue." "i need you to cut this scene for me."
i want, i want, i want. i need, i need, i need. every phone call. every text. every knock at my door.
i hate it.
is it really all that surprising that i just want out? *sigh*
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