when it hurts to breathe

i'm sitting a little quieter today. not a lot, but a little. maybe it's because i can feel that i've got a very small break coming up. two and a half hours to go, and then i'm partially free from this little prison cell of mine. i say partially, because i'm never really free from this place. the phone always has to be on. but i'm not obligated to stay behind this desk pretending to be nice to people. not for three whole days. i shouldn't take a day off, because i really do need the money, but i'm so burned out that i just don't care.

i'm thinking i'll go get me some sun. it'll make my sister proud. she's convinced that i'm entirely too pasty white for my own good, and she's probably right. not that i care, really, but the idea of sitting by the side of the pool, or maybe the reservoir, with a good book seems like a delightful idea.

but i'm still having trouble breathing. there seems to be a clamp on my chest, slowly growing tighter and tighter. the pain is becoming physical. it hurts. but i don't know what to do about it. i don't think there's a solution.

it hurts to breathe.

untitled. on purpose.

restless. anxious. unsure. jittery. nauseated... i don't really know. i feel icky, but i don't know how to describe it. it's like i just need to get away. get out of this office, out of these clothes, out of this town...just away. but there's nowhere that i want to go. i feel so alone, but i don't want to talk to anyone. mostly i just don't want to have to explain myself to anyone. i'm second guessing myself at every turn. blah. i need to get out of this office, though. i feel like i'm suffocating. what is wrong with me???

44 Life Lessons

I didn't write this, but I like it a lot. I think it applies to all of us, at least in part. And, hopefully, posting something will help me get out of the writing slump I seem to be in...

44 Life Lessons:

1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.
16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
24. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
25. Frame every so-called disaster with these words ''In five years, will this matter?".
26. Always choose life.
27. Forgive everyone everything.
28. What other people think of you is none of your business.
29. Time heals almost everything. Give time, time.
30. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
31. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
32. Believe in miracles.
33. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.
34. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
35. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.
36. Your children get only one childhood.
37. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
38. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
39. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.
40. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
41. The best is yet to come.
42. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
43. Yield.
44. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.

someone else saying it for me...

these are the lyrics to the song zzyzx rd. by stone sour. it pretty much sums it up. it's always nice when someone can kind of say it for you... which is why music is crucial. without music, there is nothing...

I don't know how else to put this
It's taken me so long to do this
I'm falling asleep but I can't see straight

My muscles feel like a melee
My body's curled in a U-shape
I put on my best, but I'm still afraid

Propped up by lies with promises
Saving my place as life forgets
Maybe it's time I saw the world

I'm only here for a while
But patience is not my style
And I'm so tired that I gotta go

Where am I supposed to run now?
What am I supposed to do?
Did you really think I wouldn't see this through?

Tell me I should stick around for you
Tell me I could have it all
I'm still too tired to care and I gotta go

I get to go home in one week
But I'm leaving home in three weeks
They throw me a bone just to pick me dry

I'm following suit and directions
I crawl up inside for protection
I'm told what to do and I don't know why

I'm over existing in limbo
I'm over the myths and placebos
I don't really mind if I just fade away

I'm ready to live with my family
I'm ready to die in obscurity
'Cause I'm so tired that I've gotta go

Where am I supposed to hide now?
What am I supposed to do?
You still don't think I'm gonna see this through

Tell me I'm a part of history
Tell me I can have it all
I'm still too tired to care and I gotta go

falling, falling, crunch.

there hasn't been much for a desperate, hopeless person like me to cling to lately. thoughts of planning for the future cause me so much anxiety that i become violently sick to my stomach. it's not even that i don't want to grow up, because i've already done that. i grew up a long, long time ago. it's that i don't think i can possibly stand to stick around and see how the next six weeks or six months or six years play out. i don't have any fight left in me.

i probably shouldn't write about any of this, but this is who i have to talk to. tonks, and this computer. i haven't told more than a few people about this blog for a reason. so if you're reading this, you're doing so at your own risk, knowing that what is written here remains confidential. if you have questions, ask me, but don't judge.

i don't know what to hold on to. i'm caught in the middle of a vortex of lies and deception and hatred.....and the closest thing i have to a "safe place" has been breached. it's not safe anymore. drama isn't safe anymore. that was one of the few shreds of hope that i was desperately clinging to. "my" teenagers. my drama kids need me. somehow, in some absurd, minuscule way they need me to stick around. well now i'm not even supposed to be around my drama kids without a babysitter. the administration has me convicted and condemned for a crime i didn't commit.

it's not even me saying i'm a bad, bad person this time.

i'm in trouble because some demon teenager used my phone to send a kid a dirty joke. a parent saw it, called the school and i found myself hauled into the principal's office for the first time in my life. i am 28 years old, and this was the first time i have ever been in the principal's office for being in trouble. of course i'm going to be terrified. and supposedly, my rigid body language was a sure indicator of my guilt, even though i was able to look him in the eye and swear that i did not send the damn thing. nor do i know who sent it. the phone was borrowed by a student, but not returned. they left it sitting on julie's desk there in the drama room, so it could have been anyone.

they told me what it said, and i'm appalled that something like that was sent from my phone in the first place. for them to think that i sent it.... ugh. it was gross. it was crude...and to me, it was triggering. i applaud a parent checking a phone and becoming upset with something like that. i'd do the same thing. but the administration is hell-bent on saying that it was me who did it.

so they decide to go through my phone, which was okay with me--if i had something to hide, i wouldn't have offered it for hendry to look at from the very beginning. but he goes through and finds some texts that he sees out of context that he feels are inappropriate--sent to me, mind you--and starts making it into this whole big thing. i'm not safe for the kids. hell, at one point he seemed to be trying to make me into a pedophile. me, of all people. just the thought makes me sick.

i have bawled more in the past week than i have in my entire life. i am totally defeated. and i say--what's the point?

and i'm falling apart from the other things, too. the other things that i'm always fighting with, which are winning more and more all the time. the shadows that lurk within my mind and body--my own personal, and very real, death eaters.

so, i'm hiding, hiding...just hiding. too scared to come out and play. i feel all sorts of screwed up. and my access to safe people is rapidly diminishing. i need a hug, but there's no one to ask for one. i need to feel protected and loved, but there is no one. it's not like you can just walk up to someone and say "i need you to just hold me for a minute." nobody wants to know that kind of thing...

it's a bad day--separate from me being bad. i wish i could go home. the more i'm around anyone, the worse i feel. and i'm afraid i'm going to make a fool of myself because i'm so shaky...i can't quit shaking and i can't breathe; i can't calm down even though i'm trying.

i'm falling apart....

breakdown

i don't know what to do. i'm think i'm suffocating. i'm cranky and exhausted, and i just don't care. i'm exhausted, but i'm afraid to go to sleep, even if i could. there's always a nightmare lurking...closing my eyes just makes me more vulnerable. the nightmares are so horrible.

apparently i'm grouchy. i don't deny it, but i don't know if grouchy is the right term. i'm tired, and i'm burned out. i'm on the edge of a meltdown--i can feel it coming. and yet, there's nothing i can do to prevent it. in truth, i start to panic everytime my phone rings or a new text message comes. it's always somebody who wants something from me. people i care about, usually, not understanding that i just can't give them what they want.

why aren't you doing more, rachel? what's your problem, rachel? why aren't you standing up for my manipulative, sadistic, soul-sucking excuse for a daughter anymore, rachel? you drama people need to grow up, rachel. you're not good enough, rachel. you need to try harder. you need to just be someone else, rachel...

and then there's:

"you need to work for me." "i'm not coming in." "more money is missing from the drawer." "i want a different piece." "ms. b is mad at me." "everyone hates me." "find me a monologue." "i need you to cut this scene for me."

i want, i want, i want. i need, i need, i need. every phone call. every text. every knock at my door.
i hate it.

is it really all that surprising that i just want out? *sigh*

Nothingness

It's funny. I used to be able to write all the time. Writing about anything, and everything. The words just knew how to come, and I had the patience to sit still and put them in written form. It's been a while since I've been able to do that. Even when I do find myself with the patience to actually write something, my mind is in such a fog that I can't seem to spit anything out. It's not that I don't have anything to say, it's just that I'm not capable of forming the words to say it.

It's frustrating because it hasn't always been this way. But I'm not really myself anymore, either. I don't know who I am. I feel like I no longer really have an identity.

I used to be passionate about things. There were things that I loved. And things that I loved doing. People I wanted to be with. I knew what I wanted and how I was going to get it. I cared about things. I just don't anymore. I don't care. I put on the mask and pretend, but it's only because I have to. People expect things from me, and I have to live up to those expectations. There are so many expectations that I already can't live up to...

But in reality, I'm just an empty void. Useless, hopeless...taking up more than my share of space in an already over-crowded world.

I feel so lost...